The last time I went through a heart break was literally lethal. Everyone who has loved and lost will tell you that this experience is not roses and chocolate. The magnitude of the emotional torture that I experienced when my heart was broken, made me swear never to ever get close to a man, then. I hated love, God and myself; must I mention men?
When he finally admitted that he had been seeing someone else for weeks, yet denied it so many times, I felt as if my intestines will slowly but surely eating themselves away. “The part of me that wants to be with her is bigger than the one that draws me to you,” are the words he said to me. They were more confusing than Greek I tell you. They swam through my memory bank over and over again, certainly worse than the worst broken record, sang by the nastiest amateur singer you can ever imagine. Don’t even think about those you have heard on “America has got talent”, those are award winning records compared to what I was hearing.
My skin started itching, and I started feeling pain in places I often ignored; like under my chin. My saliva dried up. I felt as though my tongue was on fire. I was thirsty, but resistant to putting anything near my mouth. I certainly hated everything in my environment that I once so adored. Everything turned ugly and glue. I felt extreme temperatures of cold and hot flashes simultaneously crawling from my head to toe. My clothes felt uncomfortable and sticky.
This all happened during a night when it was humid and hot. But there are moments I felt as if there was snow falling out of my window. The world’s walls suddenly started closing in. Memories of all the good things about him started exploding into my conscious, uninvited, just like thieves in the night. It was like my mind had switched off from the wrong and negative he had done to me, and focused on the good stuff about him. I suddenly missed him more than anything I have ever desired. I longed for his scent, touch, voice, but of course, none of that was available. I wanted to run to a place where I could escape from all the voices screaming in my head, but didn’t know where to go. I attempted to rock myself to sleep, hoping to wake up only when the pain was gone, but sleep seemed to repel me. I took a sleeping pill, and slept for a few hours; only to wake up abruptly and find immerse emotional pain seriously waiting in my heart. A pain that felt more physical than a tooth ache, if you know what I mean. The stupid pills had refused to work their usual magic.
I started to call him; but then realized that it was useless and stupid. Firstly, I had called him so many times earlier that day and he had ignored all my calls. Secondly, I had left him both text and voice messages telling him how much I loved him, but he had responded to none. I didn’t know what else to do. I got on my knees to pray, but just cried uncontrollably with no word coming out of my mouth. I switched my cell-phone on and off tones of times hoping to find a “I am sorry, I love you so much babe” text and/or voice message, however when I switched it back on, nothing had come through. After several attempts, I threw the phone against the wall. Only to realize that I had just smashed and destroyed the only connection left in my world, to reach him…. More to come…