The Difference Between True Friendship and Conditional Arrangements


t-friends-are-like-walls

“Are They Your True Friends?” This is a statement that my grandmother asked me every time I complained about my friends.

Growing up, friendship meant consistent and good communication. It was okay to pick up a phone and call a friend just for the shake of it. It was normal to call a friend and follow up on how they were doing. It was proper for friends to show up at your home, or vice-versa if they had to.

Friendship was treated as a gift, and for the most part, friends were loyal to each other. Certainly, there were betrayals, gossip and falling out, but when someone was a true friend you rested assured that you could rely on each other.

Nothing more prized than friendship

What are Conditional Arrangements?

Of late friendships are more of conditional arrangements. The people you refer to as friends will only communicate if they want something from you. A few years ago I had a “friend” who was pursing a doctorate, and she was very consistent in communicating when she needed my help. She responded to all my text messages almost instantly and was always available. When she completed her doctorate, our friendship went on a down spiral. She started communicating less. At one point, I invited her for my annual seminar, and sent her three emails as reminders. But she neither responded nor showed up. Yet, I had supported her whenever she needed me. With time, every time I texted her she wouldn’t respond for days, and sometimes, weeks. And her texts became shorter and even rude. So, I realized that it was time for me to step aside and let her be.

friendship-quotes-08

People in conditional arrangements seem to be so busy for friendships. A few characteristics of conditional arrangements include but are not limited to the following:

  1. When you text or call someone and they don’t call you back in at least a week, and with a viable reason why they didn’t respond immediately, you are just a colleague. I know that sometimes life gets in the way, and we all get extremely busy. However, if you truly value a friendship you will find a way to get back to them sooner than later.
  2. If they hurt you and don’t apologize, it is a conditional arrangement. They don’t really care if you leave or stay. They literally take you for granted.
  3. If they don’t keep their word it is a conditional arrangement. If someone hurts you, and maybe apologizes but hurts you again in the same way, it is a conditional arrangement. True friendship is based on integrity.
  4. If they gossip about you it is a conditional arrangement. Gossip is normally based on fear, envy, competition or jealousy. Those attributes do not consistent true friendship.
  5. If you feel as if you are forcing the friendship, when you are the initiator of all your interactions, it is not true friendship.
  6. If you are always supporting them and they don’t support you, it is a conditional arrangement.

Note that although unconditional friendships do not expect anything in return, everyone in the relationship gives 100%.

  1. If they walk away in the midst of your challenges, they aren’t true friends. A true friend will always be there for you regardless of how challenged you may be.
  2. A true friend will never judge you. They will accept you as you are and will never attempt to change you. They won’t try to force you to do or be something you don’t believe in. They will respect your opinions and although they may not always agree with you, they won’t disregard you just because you are not on the same page.

friends-are-like-stars-quote-7-800x800

In general, of late, people seem to be so engrossed in their own lives that they don’t have time to invest in friendships. And I believe it is also because we are all afraid and suspicious of each other. We aren’t sure about other people’s intentions. This might be based on the fact that we’ve been betrayed severally by those we have deemed as friends. Consequently, we build huge impenetrable walls around us to prevent others from connecting with us. However, although we remain safe in our protective cocoons we miss out on how true friendships can benefit us.

The rules of true friendship also applies for relatives. Just because someone is your relative doesn’t necessarily mean that they understand how to be friends with you.  If someone is not friends with themselves, they will never know how to be friends with anyone else. True friendship begins from within.

Just because someone is your relative doesn’t necessarily mean that they understand how to be friends with you

The Characteristics of True Friendship:

To summarize this content, I base my concepts on Tony Robbins’ 6 core human needs of relationships.

  1. Certainty

A true friend will always make sure that you are certain of their friendship. For instance, they will be impeccable with their word. They will never lie, and if they do, it would mainly be to protect the relationship–plus they won’t lie often. Also, when you reach out to them, for the most part they will respond within a short period of time unless they are purposefully unavailable. And if they don’t respond immediately they normally get back to you as soon as they can.

  1. Variety

A true friend will be open to the variety of things or ways that can enhance a healthy relationship with you. They will also offer you a variety of options to deal with challenges when and if they occur. A true friend will offer spontaneity, excitement, surprises, and even a bit of chaos—just to keep the relationship stimulating. Note that although this core need mainly applies for lovers, a true friend will use it in ways that will keep your friendship fresh.

  1. Significance

A true friend will do things to make you feel loved, respected, celebrated, special and important. This takes someone who is also a true friend to themselves, because they will easily understand the importance of feeling significant and special. A friend will understand that when they hurt you, the way you feel matters more than what you did. They won’t try to justify their actions and ignore your feelings. They will acknowledge your feelings, apologize and then justify their actions. They will seek to be kind instead of right.

A true friend will do things to make you feel loved, respected, celebrated, special and important.

  1. Love and Connection:

This core need, is self-explanatory. It calls for respect, trust, integrity, consistence and good communication.

  1. Growth:

A true friend will always encourage you to grow. They will support your growth plans.

  1. Progress:

True friendship calls for progress. Note that if you are not progressing you are literally dying. A true friend will always push or support you to progress. They will be there when you feel stuck and will do whatever they can to help you get back up. And sometimes all it takes is a good listening ear without judgement.

Although the above suggestions might appear as if one is demanding so much from their friends, it takes one to know one. If one is a true friend to themselves they will understand what it takes to have and keep one.

Looking for a transformational coach and spiritual counselor? Reach out to me at tapthegood@gmail.com. For more about me, visit http://www.tapthegood.com

 

Advertisements

Is Money Scarce? Resolving Negative Associations Related to Money Attraction


Most people believe that money is the source of all evil. However, when you look closely you realize that the lack of money is the devil itself. I have never heard of a millionaire breaking a bank, or someone like Oprah conning someone else for money. Can you imagine finding Bill Gates in jail for snatching someone’s purse because he was starving, or Warren Buffet, crying in court for breaking into someone house? Imagine all you can but I know that you will not experience the preceding in your life time.

The lack of money is what sends many people into hospitals, dealing with all sorts of neurologically engineered illnesses manufactured by worrying about money. I actually once experienced a panic attack because I didn’t know how I was going to pay my bills. It’s the lack of money that suffocates our vision, weakens our enthusiasm and chokes our relationships.

” It’s the lack of money that normally suffocates our vision, weakens our enthusiasm and chokes our relationships.”

With that said, it is apparent that understanding your money psychology is important in helping you to shift from barely surviving to living life on your terms. It is vital to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with money.

In this article, I share 3 mental and emotional associations that hinder us from identifying ways to earn more money. Note that these associations are like bad marriages that can pollute your good intentions of living a wealthier life. I urge you to take time as you analyze these associations and answer the related questions so that you can resolve them and then start developing a healthier relationship with money.  

“Negative associations with money are like bad marriages that can strangle your good intentions of living a wealthier life.”

  1. Beliefs:

(a) What negative beliefs do you have about money? Write them down.

Note that whatever you believe becomes your reality. If you believe that money is the source of all evil, you are impliedly negating money. If you believe that money is a beautiful thing to have you will do whatever it takes to have more of it. Most importantly, your unconscious mind, where the magic brews, will support you into earning more money because you created a positive belief about it.

(b) After writing down all these beliefs, know that they are all lies, illusions that do not exist. They are temporary pretences that your mind holds onto and you can easily let them go. With that in mind, create a new list with the opposite beliefs to the negative ones you have. Read the new list at least 3 times daily to reinforce these new beliefs into your unconscious mind.

“Negative beliefs about money are temporary pretences that your mind holds onto and you can easily let them go.”

  1. Experiences:

What negative experiences have you had that have convinced you that having money is painful? For instance, have you lent someone money and they never paid you back? Have you been backstabbed, disappointed, lied to or wrongfully punished because of money?

(a) Take time to think about all these experiences.

(b) Realize that by thinking about these experiences, you are living in the past. You are not enjoying the magic in the present moment. You are missing out. Note that these experiences are long gone and you can nullify them in your mind. Know that you have the power to speak to your mind and tell it to let go of this poison. Do not underestimate the power you have over your thoughts. Don’t let your thoughts rule you, rule them. Command them to behave themselves. Tell yourself the truth that you are more than these experiences. Remember that all experience is intended to help us learn and grow into more informed beings, and not to hold us back from progressing in life.

“Remember that all experience is intended to help us learn and grow into more informed beings, and not to hold us back from progressing in life.”

  1. Perceptions:

Perceptions are projections of our inner world. Whatever you perceive is a reflection of how you have internally identified with the perceived. If your projections about money are filled with anger, sadness, struggle, scarcity or rage, that’s exactly how you will perceive money.

 (a) Sit in a comfortable position, close your eyes and imagine that money is your partner. How is he/she dressed? What type of conversations do you have? Do you see yourself arguing or laughing? What are you telling this money-image? Is it good or bad? How do you feel about your relationship? Do you feel like you love each other? After you are done, open your eyes and think through your visualized perception of money, plus your relationship with it.

(b) Whatever money-image and relationship that your mind revealed, go through the exercise again but this time creating a more positive image and relationship. Image that money as your partner is well groomed, strong and healthy. Imagine that you are walking down the street holding hands, laughing, and having a good time. Imagine telling each other repeatedly that you love each other very much. Generate the related positive emotions. Go through this exercise every day until you start believing that you and money are good together. Trust your mind to create similar experiences in your reality.

Remember that you are the master of your destiny. It’s up to you to realize that you are more than your experiences; you are more than the negative money associations plus all the other things that weigh you down: and that money is nothing more than the relationship you have with yourself.

 “When all is said and done we realize that all along we had both keys to our life’s prisons and freedom.”

Check out this video to access a few exercises that will help resolve negative associations you may have with money.

Love and light.

Tap The Good

http://www.tapthegood.com

Is Your Job Progressing, or Retarding You?


Screen-Shot-2013-11-08-at-1.10.37-PM

In school, for the most part we are programmed to believe that the only way to make it in life is to work for others. And although there’s nothing wrong with being employed, the danger is when we either don’t earn what we deserve or don’t ask for what we deserve because we don’t feel worthy.

In this short video, I share a few insights to inspire you to recognize your worth and then act accordingly.

Link to video – https://youtu.be/Ok7e06h7J5s

Please remember to subscribe to our YouTube channel. Leave comments if you felt inspired or have questions

sending-you-much-love-healing-light-may-you-be-7181155

For all your counseling and transformational coaching needs check out, http://www.tapthegood.com/counseling/

How Fear Limits us and How to Release our Grip from it


What has fear done for you so far?

Do you believe that fear has power? 

What can you do to overcome your fears and start living life on your terms?

In this video, I share my take on what I believe is the root cause of our human-related struggles, and how to release our grip from this root cause.

Click HERE to view the video.

Please give our video a like.

Subscribe to our Youtube channel if you haven’t. Sign up for our newsletter. 

Buy this book, it will change your life. 

Tap The Good

For more about me, check out http://www.tapthegood.com Email: tapthegood@gmail.com

7 Budgeting Mistakes to Avoid


budgeting

Budgeting is crucial to efficient and effective financial management. When we don’t budget, we end up either squandering money or missing out on paying for important and/or time sensitive transactions.

Note that the lack of budgeting is the very reason why the poor remain poor–because they don’t take time to think about what they want and research on how much it will cost.

The question is, how will you know what to spend your money on if you don’t budget? Remember that there is more to living than paying bills. Therefore, take control of your finances and establish budgeting as a mandatory act.

Below are 7 budgeting mistakes to avoid.

7-Common-Budgeting-Mistakes-Pin-740x461

Mistake 1:

When you don’t stick to your savings plan, or when you don’t have a savings plan. In order to achieve financial freedom putting away money as savings to either invest or fall back on in hard times, should be part of the game plan. If you don’t budget for your savings, you are basically rendering yourself vulnerable for financial disaster.

Mistake 2:

When you don’t update your budget plan:

It’s important to update your spending plan so that you are aware of what’s going on periodically. Get a note book, or download an app on your phone (www.everyDollar.com is a good one)) and use these tools to periodically update your budget.

Mistake 3:

When you underestimate or overestimate how much you spend: To avoid this mistake evaluate your previous month’s expenses to use as reference for your spending patterns.

Mistake 4:

When you don’t have a budget: When you don’t have a budget how will you know much to save or what to spend on?

Mistake 5:

When you don’t communicate with your spouse or people in your household about your budget standards: This applies if you have a family. You need to let your spouse know about your budgeting plans so that they spend within its limits.

Mistake 6:

When you only budget once in a while: You have to be consistent with your budget plans. It is an ongoing process, and the good news is that it gets easier with time.

Mistake 7:

Lack of budgeting before your payday: Getting money before you create a spending plan can be dangerous.  Note that by the time you create the plan, half the money will be gone on expenses that can not wait for you to decide whether you need a budget or not.

Note that budgeting is a healthy financial habit that you should embrace. Doing it right will make all the difference, and having a success infused mindset is the starting point.

budgeting_websites

Looking to get more organized with your life and finances, check out my book, Do Not Force It, Tap The Good

Tap The Good

Dr. Jacinta Mpalyenkana, PHD, MBA is a counselor, transformational coach, corporate trainer, published author and professional speaker. For more about her, please check out http://www.tapthegood.com