Our personalities are complex and to dissect them to identify the conditioning upon which we create them takes time. Sometimes we don’t even know our personalities since we might have more than one.
With that said, addictive personalities weaken our natural abilities to go through life with faith and courage. We rely on behavior or substance intake for short-term comfort or as escapes from whatever we are running from. Other times we fall into addictive behavior to subconsciously support an underlying belief.
What is abuse-addiction?
This is when one finds him/herself attracting and staying in abusive relationships. Abuse addicts have many excuses for staying with abusive partners. They have supporting reasons. They could also blame themselves—suggesting that it is something wrong with them that trigger their partners’ abusive behavior. At times, they conceal the extent of the abuse, and re-narrate the incidents to prove that their partner wasn’t abusive.
For instance, for many years I was addicted to abuse. I believed that I wasn’t good enough; that I was ugly and that no man would love, without insulting me. I believed that abuse was part and partial of being in a relationship. As a child, I heard many stories about promiscuous and violent men. Most of our neighbors were single mothers who continuously indulged in conversations about the insane nature of men. And I believe that’s when I was conditioned to believe that love hurts emotionally and physically. I must have subconsciously cemented the idea that it was okay to be abused.
It took years of emotional and physical pain, plus many disappointments to realize that I was basically hurting myself by staying in abusive relationships.
How do You Liberate Yourself From Abuse-addiction?
The first step towards liberating yourself is to find out the underlying beliefs about your self-image, self-worth, self-love, relationships, plus the childhood stories you have about abuse.
Today, as a counselor and coach, I use these techniques to help my clients overcome their addictive behavior.
Do not Listen to Your Mind.
The mind is like a policeman you hire, who ends up stealing from you. The mind is a trickster, and you shouldn’t trust it. Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to believe that the mind is powerful. The mind is king. The mind is our friend. Trust me when I say, that the mind is the enemy. For instance, the mind could tell you damn stuff like, “Forgive him/her. They won’t do it again,” when your hubby has just smacked you. However, this could be the 100th time they’ve done it. And the mind could have told you that crap to forgive them ninety-nine other times. It will continue persuading and giving you thoughts as reasons to forgive them. When you give in and forgive the idiot, the mind will bombard you with thoughts about how bad they hurt you. How they should treat you. How you should find someone else; or maybe have a side fling. And if you cheat instead of leave the relationship, and they find out and then abuse you again, the mind will say, “Wow! See what I told you? You are seriously damn. Why didn’t you just leave them? What the hell are you still doing in this relationship? What is wrong with you? You definitely deserve to be hit thousands times over. You are not worthy. You are not good for anything. Blab bla bla.” Note that this is the same mind that convinced you to stay in the relationship.
“The mind is like a policeman you hire, who ends up stealing from you.”
I guess you realize that the mind is not particularly our friend. Therefore, do not listen to your thoughts. Only use your mind when you need it instead of letting it use you. The idea is to ignore your thoughts. Do not recruit them. Do not assign meanings, create relationships, associations, or even entertain them for a single second. Instead, respect your feelings. If your partner behaves in ways that abuse your personal standards, move on. If they physically abuse you the first time, there is no reason in the world to stay in that relationship. Because trust me, they will do it again. Remember that when you respect and love yourself unconditionally, you will attract the same. Note that we do not experience the world as it is: we experience it as we are. As within, so without. Our experiences mirror our conditioning. Change your negative beliefs and conditioning, and your world will change accordingly.
“Only use your mind when you need it instead of letting it use you.”
Dr. Jacinta M Murray is a spiritual counselor and transformational coach. Helping people to overcome their addictions is one of her specialties.